Get an exclusive free story about Carey when he was a boy. Click here!Exclusive free story about Robert Carey, aged eight

BRAIN GUANO

To blog or not to blog – that is the question.

And by opposing, end them…

Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer

The slings and arrows of outrageous websites

Or to take arms against a sea of bloggers

Anyone who has ever met me/talked to me/heard me rant is probably amazed (and grateful?) that I haven\’t done this before.

Here\’s why I haven\’t:

[Scene: Finney Mansions, aka The Dump. Sound of clattering keyboard.]

Me: OK, OK, here goes. [presses enter]

Laptop: Ptui. Error message w232w.

Me: What? [tries again]

Laptop: Blart. Error message viso09684937. Would you like to report this error?

Me: No, I just want you to work.

Laptop: Well I don\’t feel like it.

Me: So what\’s wrong?

Laptop: [sulky silence]

Me: Come on, darling, where\’s the hurty?

Laptop: [haughty expression on screen]

Me: Come ON, damnit, what\’s wrong? [patiently tries again]

Laptop: Ptui. Error message f897696u.

Me: Look, just tell me what the problem is and I\’ll try and fix it? Did you not like the space in my phone number? [does the whole thing again]

Laptop: [nada] Blart. This application has stalled.

Me: *%^£$&!!! [random button pressing]

Laptop: You\’re horrid and I\’m not doing anything any more.

Me: Aargh, you piece of technocrap, what\’s WRONG?

Laptop: [smugly] Freeze, crash. Nyah nyah nya nyah nyah.

So I\’ve needed to find some brave people (in this case Channel Computing)  who can do the actual work which is worryingly described in \”Blogging for TechnoChallenged Morons\” as \”simple and straightforward\”.

Somebody who doesn\’t shriek at computers and then roam restlessly round the kitchen, hunting and killing defenceless chocolate bars. All I have to do is have fun generating content.

Sorry. I don\’t generate content. I simply excrete words as constantly and nonchalently as a seagull generates guano – which is, may I remind you, excellent fertiliser. So what follows is just my normal brain-guano which might occasionally fertilise a laugh. I hope.

You can also read The Daybooke of Sir Robert Carey, to get a different angle on my latest Elizabethan crime novel A MURDER OF CROWS. I can\’t divulge how I happened to come across these confidential diary entries from the youngest grandson of that famous Other Boleyn Girl, but I can confirm that I\’ve sorted out his spelling.

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