Get an exclusive free story about Carey when he was a boy. Click here!Exclusive free story about Robert Carey, aged eight

THE TWISTCHIP EMAILS – 1

From: twistchip@hellinc.co.uk To: all Deleterious Impulse Encouragement Facilitators
Cc: sirbeelzebubmammon@hellinc.co.uk

Hi – to all you great tempters out there!

I\’m Twistchip, your new Senior Facilitator, Deleterious Impulse Encouragement Team, North West Europe. I\’ll be taking over this section from dear old Suckhose who will be retiring to the Fifth Circle and maybe doing a little uranium-moving to keep fit. Way to go, Suckhose!

Now our amazing CEO, Sir Beelzebub Mammon has personally tasked me with lowering our game and making sure our negativity goes to the right place – that\’s to our human customers, guys, not ourselves! We need to be positive and take every opportunity to adversely influence and just generally do that Deleterious Impulse Encouragement thing at every opportunity! There\’s no room for sitting back and putting our hooves up!! Not in today\’s Pandemonium – or, as we are going to be calling it now, today\’s Differently Energied Non-Material Entity Unity Initiative.

Also we are dumping some other outmoded vocabulary. Frinstance, we\’re not going to be calling each other \’tempter\’ or \’devil\’ thank you very much. Those words are simply no longer Theologically Correct.

Maybe Deleterious Impulse Encouragement Operative is a bit of a mouthful – but hey, we have fangs (or, as we\’ll now be calling them, Positively Angled Canine Mastication Tools). Nor should we refer to our human customers as \’suckers\’ or \’food\’. That is disrespectful and worse still, might give the game away while we are leading them in a non-judgemental and non-anxiety-provoking way so we can eventually benefit from absorbing their biological energy fields. We also have a much lower aim.

As CEO Sir Beelzebub Mammon said in a recent speech to all we Division Heads:

\”The next hundred Earth years will be crucial. As the human animals listen to our advice, they will consume more and more irreplaceable fossil fuels, release more and more carbon dioxide and destroy more and more of their own biosphere in ways that are hilariously wrong-headed. We can all take credit for this wonderful opportunity – though of course, most of it belongs to our star Chairman Lord Satan.

\”However, as always, the Competition will be sneaking around trying to rescue the disgusting little hybrids. There is nothing to worry about there as we have managed to persuade most of the Competition\’s genuine human followers that good people are passive, so most of them will wring their hands, worry, cut back on petrol use and even engage in some very funny hobbies like knitting with plastic bags. They will not take any useful action, you can be sure of that.

\”The ones who call themselves followers of the Competition but are actually ours, will continue to bomb, rant and hate in a most entertaining and satisfactory way.

\”Meanwhile our mission will simply be to encourage all the humans\’ fear, greed and stupidity so that they will soon wipe themselves out in the extinction event we have tentatively labelled \”The Big Banquet of 2040.\”

\”Remember, the uglier, more depleted and polluted we can encourage the human hybrids to make their planet, the easier it will be to get them down here. The more we can get them to exchange beauty, forests, fertile seas and their relationships with each other for that wonderfully meaningless symbol of desire, Money, the quicker we can eat them.

\”So this is the last push. Pretty soon we\’ll have seen off the Competition and we will rule the humans\’ uglified and poisoned world.

\”To that thrilling prospect, let us lower our glasses and toast the Future!\”
© Sir Beelzebub Mammon, CEO Hell Incorporated.

Way to go, Sir Beelzebub, that powerful and passionate speech is an aspiration to us all!!

I\’ll be in touch explaining how best to ultimise human negativity and pro-actively prepare them for absorption.

All the worst
Ms Twistchip (B.A. Hons.)
Senior Facilitator
Combined DIE Teams
North West Europe Division
Hell Inc.
Screwtape House
Hitler Way
Fourth Circle
Inferno
EV1 1LL

This email is the exclusive confidential property of Hell Inc. If you have received it in error, burn before reading.

[Note: I\’m afraid I am not at liberty to explain how I hacked this information from the Undernet. Serious apologies to C. S. Lewis.]

1 Comment

  1. That is a truly wonderful modern version of the Scewtape letters! The HR and management speak is perfect. wonderfully understated sarcasm.

Leave a reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.