Dr. EvilCornishRoadworks

DR EVILCORNISHROADWORKS

Trying to get from Truro to Carbis Bay the other day brought this on…

[OPENING SEQUENCE – A MONTAGE OF EXPENSIVE HELICOPTER SHOTS OF CORNISH HILLS LOOKING PRETTY, PENDENNIS CASTLE, THE EDEN PROJECT ETC ETC]

VOICE OVER (BY THAT MAN WHO HAS BEEN GARGLING WITH RUSTY NAILS AND SULPHURIC ACID SINCE THE AGE OF 6)
Cornwall. Gateway to the south west…
(HE\’S INTERRUPTED BY MUTTERING IN THE BACKGROUND)
Oh. OK. It is the Southwest. So where is it exactly?
(MORE MUTTERING)
Right. Cornwall. The Southwest. A helluva long way from the M25, where they eat Cornish pasties and cream teas… Look, buddy, I am getting on with it…

(A DIFFERENT VOICE INTERRUPTS, WITH A CORNISH ACCENT AND LESS BUTCH GARGLING HABITS):
Cornwall, where the mines are gone, the fish are gone, so it\’s back to wrecking, me ansums.

(FIRST VOICE SHOVES HIM AWAY)
Or tourism. Tourists. Happy friendly folk travelling down the A30 with their money in innocent search of a pasty, a cream tea or a surfing beach to be sick on…

[QUICK CUT TO THE A30 CONED OFF AROUND REDRUTH, DIVERSION SIGNS, PRETTY TOWN CENTRES BEING DUG UP. LOTS OF FANCY ZOOMING AND CUTTING AND SCREECHY MUSIC.]

(RUSTY NAIL GARGLING) VOICE OVER: Somewhere in a bunker deep in the heart of County Hall…

[CLOSE UP OF DR EVILCORNISHROADWORKS GOING \”Mwah ha ha ha!\”] [WE\’RE LOOKING AT A WAR ROOM. SMART CUTE GIRLS IN 40\’S HAIRSTYLES AND TIGHT MILITARY BLOUSES ARE BUSILY PUSHING MINIATURE ORANGE CONES AND BULLDOZERS ALL OVER A ROAD MAP OF CORNWALL WITH THOSE LONG WOODEN PUSHERS. OTHERS PUSH LOTS OF TOY CARS INTO IMMENSE TRAFFIC JAMS.

[OVERLOOKING THE WAR ROOM IS DR EVILCORNISHROADWORKS IN HIS JAMES BOND STYLE\’ VILLAIN-GALLERY]

DR EVILCORNISHROADWORKS:
Mwah ha ha ha!

[THERE\’S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. A MINION IN A BLACK BOILER SUIT CARRYING A GUN OPENS THE DOOR. A DELIVERYMAN COMES IN TROLLEYING SOME VERY HEAVY BOXES AND CARRYING A CLIPBOARD.

DELIVERYMAN:
Your usual delivery from the Scottish Tourist Board, sir.

[MORE MINIONS OPEN UP THE BOXES AND GOLD INGOTS AND BUNDLES OF BANKNOTES FALL OUT. DR EVILCORNISHROADWORKS TAKES THE CLIPBOARD AND SIGNS.]

DR EVILCORNISHROADWORKS:
Where\’s the Welsh Tourist Board\’s contribution then?

DELIVERYMAN:
It\’s on its way, sir. Just got held up by the roadworks on the A30…

DR EVILCORNISHROADWORKS:
Mwah ha ha ha. Mwah ha ha haha ha!

Don\’t believe me? Just try driving round Cornwall during the summer tourist season, then.