From: email@example.com To: all Deleterious Impulse Encouragement Facilitators
Hi – to all you great tempters out there!
Re: Japanese Earthquake and Tsunami.
Now settle down everyone. Seriously. Just because a lot of ugly little humans are suffering and a lot more have died, is no reason to get so excited we can\’t carefully optimise the planning process to obtain the maximum profit for Hell Inc out of this great earthquake and tsunami in Japan.
Yes, of course it\’s a lot of fun to see all the ghastly little hybrids squealing and running around as their ridiculously tall buildings collapse around them; yes, we can all giggle as the wall of water and wreckage crunches through their smug little world and I personally find it hilarious how surprised they are when one of their wonky nuclear power stations starts going pop…
For all the fun and cool Undernet videos, we have to be wary of taking our eye off the ball. Never forget, the jumped-up apes are often at their best (as in most close to the Competition) when disaster strikes. They know this about themselves and a lot of the fantasy drivel they call art and literature concerns how they behave better (by their lights) when everything is against them.
Clearly the more confusion and resentment the On the Ground DIE Agents can cause, the better. The nuclear reactors are under the able direction of our Major Disaster team although there seems to be some interference from the Competition there. As usual the Competition is sneaking around behind our backs, protecting people and helping them; we have already called for a negotiation on this matter under the terms of the Treaty of 1722 and Sir Beelzebub Mammon is confident that he can make a Cease & Desist Order stick, no matter what Michael and his team of lawyers do. After all, we have an awful lot more lawyers than they do!
Meanwhile, tempters – or should I say Deleterious Impulse Encouragement Operatives – there is a whole world full of people who can be given enhanced smug-factors and a great self-righteousness overhaul. Persuading them that the Japanese deserve to have an 8.9 earthquake, tsunami and nuclear meltdown in their country because of bad Karma from the Second World War or ill-treatment of whales and dolphins, should be quite easy. Sir Beelzebub has a big energy prize for the tempter whose human client makes the most fatuous statement on those lines.
Don\’t forget the inevitable useless advice, bureaucracy and misdirected aid parcels; a splendid piece of bureaucratic tape-tangling has just meant a team of British helpers from International Rescue has been sent home without being allowed to do anything at all – well done, that Operative! Way to go!
Encourage the clients to think they\’re safe in the West because they are Good; then have them worry about what would happen if… Keep them in their heads, fantasising about disaster movies with themselves as the heroes, while they\’re ignoring their so-called loved ones and frantically chasing more money so they can afford more insurance and a steel reinforced house.
The key is to stay calm and use this splendid opportunity to torture the little bastards… sorry, tempters, I meant stress-enhance them. We can feast on their energy later when we\’ve got them here.
All the worst
Ms Twistchip (B.A. Hons.)
Combined DIE Teams
North West Europe Division
This email is the exclusive confidential property of Hell Inc. If you have received it in error, burn before reading.
[Note: I\’m afraid I am not at liberty to explain how I hacked this information from the Undernet. Serious apologies to C. S. Lewis.]